Restlessness

God has blessed me with an abundance of interests and talents, but I am praying for His help with discernment. I often get distracted by all the options and lose sight of which need to take priority, or which will do the most good, for myself and others.

Yesterday I read a Lent Reflection passage by Henri J.M. Nouwen titled "Those Between Wants Will Be Restless." I think in some ways this simple statement sums up the way I live. He went on to say "Sometimes we behave like children in a toy shop. We want this, and that, and then something else. The many options confuse us and create in us an enormous restlessness. When someone says, "Well, what do you want? You can have one thing. Make up your mind," we do not know what to choose... As long as our hearts keep vacillating among these many wants, we cannot move forward in life with inner peace and joy. That is why we need inner and outer disciplines, to get beyond these wants and discover our mission in life."

I've recognized this struggle of mine for over a year now, and it's a constant daily struggle. I think I've been on the right track to put my trust in God and listen for Him to answer my life. But I think a few things happened in the past year where I was getting ahead of myself, where I tried to answer every call I thought I heard and overwhelmed myself. Yesterday's passage repeated a lot of what I've been reading in Matthew Kelly's books, and discovering for myself, that is to practice those pivotal inner and outer disciplines and strengthen my own mental and physical health before I can take the next steps fully, which is exactly what I'm doing this month. It's a slow, forward and back process, but I am experiencing small, yet critical, changes in my outlook on my personal time management, approaching chores and errands, and learning how to accomplish one thing at a time and pace myself, to balance work and play and slowly weed out my habit of procrastination. Obviously life continues to happen, I'm in the play and I am still working a few shifts at Caribou Coffee a week, plus auditioning, volunteering and having a social life, but having the extra hours at home during the week has definitely opened the opportunity for me to get better organized and find both physical rest and peace of mind so I can more successfully approach things like exercising and preparing for auditions and accomplishing tasks and errands ahead of time instead of last minute. It is making the world of difference for me and I am grateful every minute of every day because my husband is so patient and supportive of me taking this time for personal growth and reflection. I'm excited for the changes in me and what direction God is taking me in!